HBO Sansa: Spirited away to sea
WARNING: This article contains spoilers
With the shockwaves of King Joffrey's assassination reverberating around Westeros like a bouncy ball tossed down a lift shaft, episode three of the HBO series brought us further evidence that literally no one can be trusted. 'Remember what I told you? We're all liars here.'
Indeed they are, and Lord Baelish's pants blaze brighter than anyone else's. As predicted by some commentators (ahem) Baelish's fingerprints were all over the Joff-sassination and indeed it was into Littlefinger's arms that a startled Sansa was flung.
The brave, drunk Ser Dontos spirited Sansa away to sea, where she was greeted by Lord Baelish in full-on sinister mode. Never has one man made the words 'you're safe with me, I promise' sound more like 'mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I am very evil'. Bare acting skills from Aiden Gillen there.
Lord Baelish, the Jose Mourinho of Game of Thrones (if you're interested, Ned Stark is Sir Alex, Stannis - Arsene Wenger, Tywin - Tony Pulis, Daenerys - Paul Jewell), is a man who probably schemes against his own breakfast and while Sansa has been pulled out of the fire, she is firmly ensconced in the frying pan, alongside a couple of sausages and a fried tomato.
As for her saviour, Ser Dontos, his reward was an arrow through the face (which wasn't what he asked for). 'Money buys a man's silence for a time' hissed Littlefinger reassuringly, 'but a bolt in the heart buys it forever'. Sansa wasn't going to argue that he'd actually put a bolt through Ser Dontos's face not his heart, as at that moment he had just had a bolt put through Ser Dontos's face and was in no mood to quibble semantics.
HBO Tywin: Knows how to take advantage 'Got to hand it to my father, he never fails to take advantage of a family tragedy.'
More pragmatic than an accountant at a family barbecue and acting faster than a really effective indigestion remedy, Tywin Lannister was getting maximum gain out of his grandson's grisly end. Cue then a quick GCSE revision session with the next-in-line, Joffrey's little brother Tommen.
Tywin essentially subjected wee Tommen to a morality tale which explained that Joffrey died because he didn't listen to granddad. Charles Dance's perma-furious Tywin is rapidly becoming the star of the show, which means the crinkly lothario will most likely end up with an axe up his bum by the end of the next episode.
Joffrey's body was still warm when Tywin began to rapidly reposition his codpiece of power in King's Landing. He even struck a bargain with the salty Prince Oberyn, keeping his enemies as close as possible (though in Oberyn's case not too close, as he seems quite sticky).
Oberyn is to make up one part of three man judging panel on King's Landing's newest reality show - Ex(ecution) Factor. Its sole contestant, Tyrion Lannister, will almost certainly get three 'yeses' from the judges and go through to the next round. Which is death.
Oberyn: Seems quite stinky 'You did wonderful work on Joffrey. The next one will be easier.'
The Tyrell's are a family to keep your eye on. Lady Olenna Tyrell, played with a wonderful game-y quality by a post-lunch Diana Rigg, will certainly not rest until their middle-class crisps are available everywhere.
Moments after the Purple Wedding (Purple Wedding? Really, guys? Sounds like a Prince song) Tyrell and granddaughter Margaery didn't seem unduly bothered by the groom having snuffed it. Lady Tyrell in particular dismissed it as one might a slightly burnt omelette.
There's more to the Tyrell's than hand-cut potato snacks. 'Avenge our son. Kill Tyrion.'
Now. There've been some weird things that have happened in Game of Thrones and I suppose we shouldn't be surprised by anything. However...
Seeing a man rape his sister (who's also his lover) against the corpse of their inbred son as he lay in state does take the biscuit. Romance is definitely dead. But that doesn't seem to bother Jaime...
© Home Box Office Tyrion: Next for the chop? 'I will not become a page in someone else's history book'
They should take Stannis Baratheon and his bearded chum Ser Davos out of that cave or whatever it is they live in, and stick them in a pub in Wigan. It's where they belong. You could see the pair of them slumped over their pints, putting the Seven Kingdoms to rights, hiding ferrets in their trousers, eating barm cakes.
Instead they're on a dank island or something and Stannis doesn't even have a pint to cry into. With Joffrey dead, he fears his claim to the throne now has a sell-by-date. And as he's not willing, and certainly not able, to pay soldiers to fight he's instead reliant on loyalty (in Westeros? Maaaaate) and black magic.
I'm no expert but I am pretty sure that Davos's bright idea was to write to the Iron Bank of Braavos (yeah, they have banks in GoT, shut up) on Stannis's behalf, and ask for a loan. So, the great climax of George RR Martin's epic will not be White Walkers or Dragons - but a credit crunch. How modern!
HBO Enterprises Arya and The Hound: Our highlight 'You're the worst s*** in the Seven Kingdoms'
What is The Hound? Merciless leather-bound steampunk assassin? Curmudgeonly aging roadie with anger problems? Depressed dog dunked in a pond? Enormous angry hedge?
Whatever he is, his relationship with Arya is proving a real highlight of the season so far. There's something nice and bucolic about the way they tramp about, far from the grim intrigues of King's Landing, killing and robbing and eating bits of bread.
This week's adventure saw our kooky duo take shelter in the farm of a humble country type, who The Hound duly robbed after winning his confidence. Excitingly we got see what The Hound's table manners are like and, pleasingly, it was like watching a wild boar eat its way out of another wild boar.
Next week - Arya teaches The Hound to play golf. With hilarious results! (they behead a caddy)
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