Forget the Coca-Cola advert. Forget the chill in the air. Forget the arrival of advent calendars. We know it's really Christmas now because the Kardashian family has unveiled the 2013 edition of their Christmas card - and not a moment too soon!
This is the latest in a grand tradition, but this year's Kardashian Khristmas Kard (sorry) just takes things to another level. Gone are the days of co-ordinated clothing, a white background and rictus grins. This year, the Kardashians have gone further than ever before with a dystopian tableaux shot by David LaChapelle. The more you look at this photograph, the darker it gets. So without further ado, here are the 18 things we've noticed about the Kardashian Christmas Card 2013. [Click to enlarge]
1. Obviously, the eye is drawn to Kim - who is once again 'showing off her glorious post-baby body'. There's no doubt that she looks stunning but do you think she realised that 'The End' is lit up above her? The end of what? Days? Pop culture? Society? Who knows.
2. The massive, sparkly dollar sign. The true meaning of Christmas, right there.
3. The dismantled mannequins. The perfect dolls, broken apart and destroyed. An idealised image, reduced to dust.
4. The pile of discarded celebrity magazines. Take that, tabloids! We're stomping all over you! On the other hand, you're a massive part of our Christmas card (and therefore our lives).
5. The biblical imagery. Yeezus might not be there in person, but golly, he's there in spirit. Similarly, North might not have made the cut (sorry, North) but there are lots of pictures of babies so that's nice, isn't it?
6. At least two Illuminati symbols. Go crazy, internet.
7. Kendall and Kylie Jenner. We can't help but notice that they both have dresses which are almost identical, leg-wise, to older half-sister Kim. We can only assume that this means they will be following in her footsteps. Also, Kylie looks angry.
8. Something burning. Because no Christmas card would be complete without flames and despair.
9. Lots of television screens. A biting commentary on the fact that this family lives their life on screen.
10. There's not much to say about Khloe except to marvel about her fantastic hair. Mind you, we're concerned about Mason, who's slumped over like he's already bored of this whole 'being a Kardashian' thing. Mason is 3 years old. It's too early for him to be world-weary.
11. An ATM sign. Ka-ching!
12. Kourtney is holding baby Penelope, who is at least upright unlike her brother. But even she is stretching out her hand, as if wistful - dreaming for something just out of reach.
13. Kris Jenner. Where do we start with Kris Jenner? For one thing, I bet she didn't know that the words 'fame' and 'money' would be scrawled in scratchy font above her head, like a recrimination. On a shallower note, what even is that headpiece?
14. The ribbons. This is basically the only thing that even hints towards Christmas, aside from a few desultory coloured lights in the back of shot.
15. The twisted golden statue, mangled on the ground. See point 3.
16. Bruce. This is genuinely the saddest, most depressing part of the card. Bruce is trapped inside some kind of cylinder - which, we can only assume, is losing air rapidly - and can only stare at the man he once was. Bruce was an Olympian, but now his beloved medals hang desolately on a faceless, armless mannequin. Bruce's hands are pressed against the glass, looking at what he once was and wailing over what now is. It doesn't help his tube is marked 'cashier', either. What have you noticed about the Kardashian Christmas card? Let us know below! Keeping up with the Kardashians: A Very Merry Christmas airs Sunday, December 8 at 9pm on E!
17. Still, at least Bruce made the card. Where is North? Kanye? Lamar? SCOTT? We must disappointingly acknowledge that this Kardashian Christmas card is sorely lacking some Mr Disick. He would have fit right in, what with his 'using dollars as toilet paper' and all.
18. The whole: we want to cry.
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